"You're going to be here for a very long time"

Is she trying to scare me?
Is she just being honest?

Does she care?
Does she believe me?

Is she another person that is going to blame the present on the past?
Before my questions could be answered she was gone.

That was the consultant, the big boss of the gastroenterology team.

And to be honest? I didn't know what to make of her. She woke me up which is something I find hard anyway as I go into such a deep sleep It takes me a little while to wake up. Then she started talking straight away. I tried to take in what she was saying, but I just couldn't! My brain hurt.

I felt like she was doubting me. "Your case is very rare you know?" "You certainly are complicated." I felt like saying "just because an illness is rare, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen to people." But I bit my tongue, smiled politely and in my head desperately willed her to leave.

Luckily she didn't stay long. I just wish I'd of had someone with me, to check that I'm not over reacting in the situation. To stick up for me and protect me. Words hurt just a much as actions sometimes! Sometimes when it is your health and your life on the line, you need a mediator. Communicating is hard hard work.

Health wise nothing has changed. I have started having some medication down my JEJ and oh dear it is the most painful thing I have had to deal with. But I need to stick with it, because if it helps me in the long run it is totally worth it! It is totally worth the pain if it means I can be stable enough to go home again :)

Home is ultimately where I want to be. I don't care about anything else and it is all I can think about right now. I want my comfort and the safety of my animals. I want my family to be whole again! I know it will happen, just maybe not for a while. Patience has never been a strong point of mine!

Grandma is here with me today, we are making a scrapbook :) I love a bit of cutting and sticking to take my mind off everything! Then I think I will do some painting and just keep 'doing'. Whilst i'm 'doing' i'm not thinking!

Thanks guys

Chloe xxx