Sorry for my absence!

I firstly want to apologise for the fact that I have been absent from my blog for so long. It is very frustrating for me also because there is so many things I want to be doing but when pain and exhaustion is present at such a high level I have no choice but to sleep and rest in an attempt to recharge my batteries! I have decided that from now on if I don't feel able to update my blog I will get Mum to step in more often to fill you guys in on how I am doing (although I haven't made mum aware of this plan yet haha!) 

I am so thankful I was able to go to Phils surprise birthday party, thank you to all those who looked after me! 

I am struggling with my joint pain right now, and my shoulder is proving problematic as it is dislocating with little movement. We have put this down to the fact that I am using my arms more than I have been pushing myself in my chair, my shoulder has been problematic for a long time. I am also very 'jerky' at the moment, my legs especially are participating in a lot of involuntary movement. This is worse at night time/when I am asleep meaning my sleep is very rarely restful...vicious cycle! 

The first time I put make up on in a long time! 

For the past few days I have had a very very slow feed set up to run through my jej tube, the feeding tube in my stomach. Currently this is extremely painful and I am only tolerating 2.5 hours at most. Since starting this I have also started vomiting again which doesn't help the situation! Today I am hoping to change anti-sickness medication in hopes I can combat the sickness which would make my life a little easier. I have also seen the nutrition team who help with complex nutrition cases, they are going to try and raise my hydration levels as being a bit dehydrated may be contributing to my exhaustion levels. 

Despite all this I have woken up this morning in a positive frame of mind. I have been blessed with the opportunity to spend some time off the ward recently and whilst doing this I have made a few observations. The leaves on the trees right now are beautiful shades of reds, oranges, browns and even purples at times. They are falling to the ground creating pools of colour where ever they land. Autumn is my favourite season by far, but now I realise I cannot do some of the things I used to love...crunching leaves under my feet and walking the dogs early in the morning whilst the grass is still crunchy with frost. I realise now that I cannot do those thing, but there is plenty of things I CAN still do. I can still experience the colours, as I am blessed with sight. I can still hear the birds tweeting chorus early in the morning as I am blessed with hearing. I can still take a deep breath of the fresh, cold air as I am blessed with the ability to breathe. We often forget the things we take for granted are what others may be asking for in prayer. 

A picture I took last autumn, hopefully I will be able to take many more soon :) 

Then came my second thought...where did summer go? My experience of summer this year was sitting in a stuffy room with the (pretty rubbish) air conditioning full blast. It was the few moment I spent sitting on the grass before having to come in because I needed medication of pain relief. My experience of summer this year was not the best but atleast I didn't have to deal with awful hayfever! (I secretly prefer the colder months anyway) 

I am VERY excited about Christmas. I think this is because it's something I have control of planning and organising in a very out of control situation. It is a time I know my family will be together which is not the case right now and it is a time filled with laughter and love, which is always nice! So if you have any great wrapping, decorating or present ideas and any yummy Christmas recipes please do share, I would love to hear them! 

Christmas last year- this is roughly when I began to feel more unwell. 

I think that is all for now! I will leave you with the henna design I did on Mum's foot the other evening....

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

I am a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a granddaughter and niece. I am a friend, a confider and a crutch to many. But that is who I am to other people, this is about me.

WHO AM I?

I am Chloe!

I love animals- their unique personalities, their fur (or lack of it), dependence on me for food, water and love, watching them grow and develop, teaching them tricks, taking photos and documenting their lives. I love the way an animal never judges you, never hurts your feelings and will always listen. I believe animals have a way of understanding human emotion and feel the need to support and love through heartache and illness.

I love my family- I love the way we unite through the difficult times, laugh through the fun times, share memories for a lifetime and work together as one. I love that each member of my family plays a different role in my life, whether that be my confider, my comforter, my friend, my role model and so many more! I take comfort from the fact I know my family will never leave me, despite how much we have all been through. They will never leave me to do anything alone. I love how close we are compared to other families, sharing our concerns and working through them, not hiding them with anger or resentment. I love that I have two families that work in different ways, and that I get positives out of them both. I love that I get double the presents on my birthday because my family is so huge! I love that I have family in different places in the world, which has given me the opportunity to travel.  

I love art- whether this be art I create or art I appreciate, I love it in every form. I love exploring new craft techniques and perfecting old ones, I adore gathering together as many materials as possible and sitting down to see where a project will take me. I love that there is no right or wrong in art, it is simply a matter of judgement and opinion. I love that art is such a broad spectrum, there is always something new to explore! I love that so many things fall under the category of ‘art’, but my favourite is creating art in a practical form. I appreciate other peoples work and talent, but I would much rather be getting stuck into it myself. I love that there is no boundaries and no limits to what you can create. With art there literally is no stopping me, I will create something out of scraps and ends, because I believe that little things can be just as magnificent and big things. I love that art can document things just as well as words. A picture can in fact speak thousands of words at once, sometimes emotion comes screaming from the piece and other times it lingers softly in the background making you work harder to try and find out what it is trying to say.

I love the natural world- walking barefoot across the sand, muddy wellies in the forest, splashing in the lake, laughing in the sun and dancing in the rain. I love how nature is so raw and so perfect before it is touched by mankind. Frosty mornings, bright summer nights, crunchy leaves in all different shades, blossoming trees, the smell of cut grass, the sound of a trickling stream. It is all just so beautiful! I would never change living in the countryside for the world. The city is the right place for some people I am sure, but never for me! I love waking up in the morning knowing that I am surrounded by beautiful nature. To me nature is the foundation of life.

I love God- This is something I am yet to mention on my blog much, but a huge huge part of my life. I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my Heavenly Father. I am blessed to have a firm connected relationship with him. To have the resources to read his word and to communicate with him through prayer. I am blessed with the knowledge and comfort that Jesus knows my every pain, trial and heartache but can also share with me my happiest moments. I am so lucky to have a wonderful support network of like-minded friends, as we nurture each other’s beliefs and grow as people spiritually and emotionally. I am so lucky to have a church locally I can attend, a house of God filled with his spirit and refreshing thoughts of praise and life.

I love lists, structure and routine- If you walked into my bedroom you would think I am a messy person. I hate throwing things away because I always see a second use in things, I suppose I am good for the environment, but not so much the state of our house! But my mess to me is organised. Other people may not know where things are but I absolutely do (most of the time). I know where to find a piece of lace, some cardboard, a pebble or a bead. I can put my finger on the skirt I wore Tuesday last week (unless my loving Mummy has put it in the washing!) Structure and routine brings me comfort because I know exactly what is going on and when, it lessens anxiety and brings out the confidence in my stride. I do not like it when plans go wrong.

I love ‘countryside clothing’- Which is NOT H&M, New look, Topshop or River Island. It is Joules, Barbour, Dubarry and Musto! This doesn't make me posh, or a snob. This is what I like, it is what I feel comfortable and confident in. I like to take pride in my appearance. Just because I don’t like leaving the house without make up- it doesn't make me vein. I just like to look my best, I like to take time and effort in how I dress and look. I like to make investments into ‘timeless’ pieces of clothing, rather than spending money all the time on the latest trend.

I love capturing precious moments in a photograph, whether that be something significant like a family members wedding or something as simple and spontaneous as a lady bird on a leaf.

I love children, I love the way their chubby legs kick high in the air as they desperately try to roll over for the first time. I love the gargles that come from their little mouths with giggles soon to follow. I love the way they totter from one piece of furniture to another and how everyone cheers as their faces light up the room. I love how children’s brains are like a sponge and they soak up all the information surrounding them, their ability to learn so quickly fascinates me. I love how you can nurture a child right from day one. I adore the way that they come out with such quirky sayings and comments that bring tears of laughter to your eyes.

I love the elderly, I love that this generation has done SO much for us, and now it is our turn to return the favour and give them the treatment and respect they deserve. I love that the elderly have stories to tell from years ago that you couldn't possibly imagine. They cook the best cakes and give the best hugs. I love that older people are so much wiser and a great to turn to for knowledge and advice. I love the cheeky side older people have- showing glimpses into what they were like as youths. I think it is fascinating how the body changes through the years, from skin so smooth to a face full of wrinkles! But those wrinkles are like war wounds, they show how much a person has smiled or frowned in their lifetime, I think a hard worker all round has a good set of wrinkles, why would you want to get rid of something that almost tells a story? That is just my opinion.

I love helping others, this is a big one for me. I will do anything in my power to help someone else in need. Whether that be emotionally, spiritually, physically or practically. Helping others makes me feel GOOD! Helping others makes me feel like I have purpose and that I am doing my part to make this world a better place. Helping others should be part of everyone’s day to day regime in my opinion. What use would we be if everyone was just ‘take take take’ with nothing to give? It would be a pretty dismal society. This one I am passionate about. GIVE MORE THAN YOU RECEIVE. Be realistic! If you have time, money, energy, good health, patience, skills or knowledge then why not let others use some of that too? If we worked together and everyone gave more than they received, think how pleasant the world would be? I will always try to stick to that one. I love hearing the words “thank you so much for your help” or “you've really helped me I really appreciate it”. That is a gift in itself!

So, that is a bit about ME, Chloe Alice, not my illness, not my obstacles, but the things I love and adore and the things that make me, me.  

Yesterdays thoughts and Todays update...

Sunday 05/10/14

Today it is hard to find reasons to be strong, but that doesn’t mean I give up- that means I fight even harder to find them.

I have slept most the day, waking up for medication to settle my symptoms and to keep me comfortable. There is no doctors on a Sunday, therefore anxiety is slightly less than usual and I am able to close my mind without six million thoughts attacking me at once.

I feel like I may be entering another ‘flare up’ of exhaustion. I am tired all the time, but these ‘flare ups’ as I call them are more than just tiredness. They are physically and emotionally feeling unable to do anything at all because there is not a single ounce of energy left inside your body. They are the times when you have no choice but to just sleep, because the exhaustion makes it too hard to lift your head from the pillow. It makes it too hard to roll over alone.

At the same time you battle the chronic pain that lingers in every corner of your body, you wish that there was a way to push it to the back of your mind, but in reality it is ALL you can think about because the pain is so intense you want to scream- if only you had the energy. Instead I wimper in my sleep. Mum is often woken by my crying whilst sleeping, it is obvious the pain doesn’t even go away at rest.

Today has been one of ‘those’ days. The days where I hate the world, I hate my life, I hate everything. I soon have to snap myself out of that thinking because it gets me absolutely nowhere but feeling worse mentally. Sleep at least brings my mind rest, even if my body doesn’t.

I am struggling with my new medication regime, it puts me through added pain on top of my normal pain first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I have to keep telling myself “the pain will ease Chloe, the pain will ease.” But that doesn’t stop the tears, the sickness, or the pain at that moment, it doesn’t stop that period of distress. I am just getting so worn out by it all and I will admit that. I will admit this is not easy. Is being poorly for anyone, ever easy?!

I am praying that tomorrow brings tolerance and peace in my heart. I am seeing my consultant and I really hope we can be proactive together, with Mum. I am trying my hardest I just hope she recognises that. I get so scared I am letting people down.

Ultimately this isn’t about my consultant, yes I care what she thinks but this is about me but ultimately this about Me. Me and my loved ones and the ones that love me. But ultimately, Me. That is not me being self-centred or selfish, it is me putting myself first. Something I don’t do very often and should definitely do more.

I am not angry at the life I have been given. Sometimes I get upset, sometimes I get frustrated, sometimes I cry and sometimes I shout. But I know I have been given these challenges because I am strong enough to deal with them, because I have the power to learn from them and so I can help others in the future. The world doesn’t just need people with academic ability. It needs people with life experience, with wisdom and advice. The world needs people with knowledge fuelled empathy and sympathy. I would love to be healthy, but I know that I am lucky to be alive and that this is going to make me an incredibly strong, resilient person in the long run. I have the most amazing family and friends that some people are not blessed with. I am incredibly lucky in that respect!

Health wise I am going into the week with an open mind. With hope that the new medication is going to help in the ways the doctors hope and the ultimate goal of getting back into a health state where I am able to live supported at home. Obviously this isn’t all going to happen in a week, but the foundations can be set and glimmers of those plans can be seen and I would love to be blessed with that.

Monday 06/10/14

This morning I slept through seeing the doctors, but I do not mind because I trust my Mum and her judgement in asking the right questions and relaying back everything I need to know. My consultant is happy with how I am doing, but I can't help feel disheartened. She is never here when I have to take my medication down my JEJ tube and I don't think she quite appreciates quite how much is hurts and how poorly it makes me. I can understand why, but sometimes I wish she was HERE when I was going through it so she could see the agony and sickness and discomfort with her own two eyes. That way she might not be be so pushy- for want of a better word. 

She desperately wants to try and get me off IV medication and TPN and back to feeding and medication using my JEJ tube. Okay it wouldn't be overnight but I just don't see how this is going to happen? I can barely get 30mls down my JEJ a day when I would be needing more that 30mls and HOUR to be using my JEJ tube effectively. It would mean constant agony, which is so so exhausting and I just don't see how it will work. Sometimes I feel like you just have to go along with it and show them it doesn't work, because at least then I can say I tried. Because I want nothing more than to keep going. I don't give up- that's not the sort of person I am! 

My allergic reactions have improved leaps and bounds which shows that this medication is on the right track, I just hope and pray it helps calm my gut down also like the doctors think it will. I am the first person to admit that patience is NOT my strong point, and I need a heck of a lot of it right now! 

The building project is bubbling along in the background, I should have more news on that this week to share with you all! Congratulations Dominic and Lily (my architect and his partner) on the birth of your little boy Felix, he is perfect! Dominic is getting stuck into being a Daddy right now, yet is still so kindly sorting out plans for me, I feel truly blessed. 

I have managed to get off the ward and to the faith room a few times which brings me great comfort and peace in my heart and mind. It's amazing how the hospital is so loud and chaotic yet you walk into that special place and there is just an overwhelming silence that peacefully fills the room. No beeping machines, no dull TV's, no chatter, no footsteps. Just beautifully decorated rooms for different cultures and a wonderful multi cultural central room with intricate modern stain glass. I often sit and write in the prayer book, It has become a routine for me to see how the 'regular' prayer book writers are doing and praying for their needs as well as my own. 

That is all for now folks, My eyes are closing again. 

All my love, 

Chloe xx

"You're going to be here for a very long time"

Is she trying to scare me?
Is she just being honest?

Does she care?
Does she believe me?

Is she another person that is going to blame the present on the past?
Before my questions could be answered she was gone.

That was the consultant, the big boss of the gastroenterology team.

And to be honest? I didn't know what to make of her. She woke me up which is something I find hard anyway as I go into such a deep sleep It takes me a little while to wake up. Then she started talking straight away. I tried to take in what she was saying, but I just couldn't! My brain hurt.

I felt like she was doubting me. "Your case is very rare you know?" "You certainly are complicated." I felt like saying "just because an illness is rare, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen to people." But I bit my tongue, smiled politely and in my head desperately willed her to leave.

Luckily she didn't stay long. I just wish I'd of had someone with me, to check that I'm not over reacting in the situation. To stick up for me and protect me. Words hurt just a much as actions sometimes! Sometimes when it is your health and your life on the line, you need a mediator. Communicating is hard hard work.

Health wise nothing has changed. I have started having some medication down my JEJ and oh dear it is the most painful thing I have had to deal with. But I need to stick with it, because if it helps me in the long run it is totally worth it! It is totally worth the pain if it means I can be stable enough to go home again :)

Home is ultimately where I want to be. I don't care about anything else and it is all I can think about right now. I want my comfort and the safety of my animals. I want my family to be whole again! I know it will happen, just maybe not for a while. Patience has never been a strong point of mine!

Grandma is here with me today, we are making a scrapbook :) I love a bit of cutting and sticking to take my mind off everything! Then I think I will do some painting and just keep 'doing'. Whilst i'm 'doing' i'm not thinking!

Thanks guys

Chloe xxx